Cut the Cord

"I look into the past and I wonder where the future will lead me

I'm tired of the accusations that I'm feeling in my soul

Maybe they're right

Maybe they're wrong

I want to be over this

I want to stop thinking that I'll be okay

I just want to be okay

I want to be able to pass this day like it's any other day

Like it's a Saturday night and I'm just hanging out with friends

Today should mean nothing

but it means something...

Something that I want to be rid of.

Something that made who I am today.

When will it stop hurting?

When will I finish crossing this bridge?

There are those who love me.

There are those I know I can depend on in my life. "

......

That's what I feel for you.

That is how I hope you feel.

My friend is hurting and I'm not there but I want to be.

I want you to know that I'm there for you.

This is for you. These next few days are for you.

I'm here if you need me.

Sometimes we just need someone to be sad with.

I'll be sad with you, even from so far away.

I wish you weren't hurting,

I wish you weren't so sad.

I'd call to make you laugh

I'd make those dirty jokes that are bad.

hopefully soon I can come and visit.

If not I'm still a phone away

You can call me any time

You can call me any day.

Go get some art done

and work some things out of your system?

I know when I have these intense things...

Art is how we deal with emotion
.....

I'm dedicating this song by Shinedown to you.

I think it fits the day. Even just a little bit.

I'm sure it doesn't hurt any less than it did before.
....

Let's think of some happy times, even if I was so annoying in the beginning. ;)

2 am cookies, and me trying to mix dough with my hands.

Drawing late into the night and coloring together.

Taking turns reading books, while we both had fun on Gaia.

Skinny dipping in the moonlight!

Going off-roading, spending nights at your place.

Pizza and Smirnoff.....

Oval-tine...

My horrible cooking in cast iron pans - you dominated that like I never could.

Listening to music and just listening in the dark.

Kiowa sodas.

.. I know that you're sad.

I really wish you weren't.

I hope you smile today.

Laugh a bit even though you hurt.

So many big hugs,

cheeky kisses for you.

:-p  My soul sister forever,

always and true.

Stupid

Crazy

Lovely

Screwed

Every little in-between

Every little crevice

The precipice of lost souls

Eyes closed

Slow breath

Heart beating

I want it out of my chest.

I want to start breathing,

I want to stat seeing....

All the world is full or vibrant pretty colors.

I just can't help to want to float on the afterglow.

There's a tempest wind at my back.
I'm feeling trapped.
I'm feeling drug around.
I'm reaching my limit.
Stretched out far passed my resolve.
 I'm crumbling. I'm falling.
 Breaking away piece by piece.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I know what I want to be.
I want to dance in the wind and scream with the thunder.
I want the electricity to run through me like it used to.
I want life to feel bright again.
I want to wake up in the morning feeling like anything is possible...

To not feel the tears that threaten to spill down my face.
To not have to choke away what I want to say because I care too much what you think.
I'm fading; this fog is all consuming.

There are multiple ways out.

Ways I've dreamed of in my darkest thoughts.

Ways I've fallen out of fear with.

Ways that could mean a brighter life for it all.

Instead I'm being called selfish because I've given up the bigger part of me.

I'm selfish and jealous

You open your mouth and I want you to shut up. 

So I'll play in my electrical storms and play in the dark till you can't see me, 

you can't feel me, till I'm nothing but a shadow.

Then when you're least expecting it, or at your low of noticing me I'll disappear.

I'll fade into the nothing.

It's just a matter of which way I will fade.

Which frame of mind I reach.

The sound of a soul thrashing

the look of a heart breaking

How long before you go under?

How long before you shatter?

Can you hear me scream?

Can you feel me shake?

I'm coming undone.

I'm standing on the edge.

There's nothing you can do

I can't see the light at the end of this passageway

I'm losing it

I'm too far gone

If you could pull me back

...I might be grateful

You don't even notice

I don't want you to anymore.

The rage came and went

the tears are over flowing

my soul has broken

my last words, spoken.

I'm afraid of what I'm doing

Setting myself up just to fail

Am I stupid, silly, and hopeless?

Or going off the rail? 

I tear up when I look in the mirror

Because I know that my smile is fake

There are few people who make me happy

But I'm not sure how much more I can take

I'm about to reach my cut off

Tears are running down my face

There's only so much running to do

I'm cracking and about to break

Unafraid 
I'll stand my ground
Drawing lines
 all around. 

Pushing, pulling...
...teasing. 
What is right?
What is pleasing?

Tit for tat. 
I'll play it fair. 
Make you laugh, 
make you care.  

Or maybe I'm just dreaming. 
Maybe I'm just too feeling.