Shallow breaths. Hard gulps. 

Trying to keep the daemons at bay. 

I can't move in the darkness but tears stream down my face. I can hear my own heart beating. I can hear my heart breaking. 

Can I be stronger than I feel? Can I stand and scream at the world in unrelenting anger? 

I can't turn back time but I can mold my own future. 

I just can get a hold of my dreams anymore. I've buried them too deep. 

What have I become?

Am I immune?

I feel like a disease. 

Dragged around

Thru everything

My mind is going bonkers

I'm not sure the amount of myself I can handle

Contagion?

Contaminated?

Possibilities are endless

Make it stop

Make it break

The subcommittee of self delegation 

There's a painted moon in the sky that's haunting me in my waking times. It calls to my soul and slips beneath my armor. The rolling clouds that highlight its light across darkness fall down and greet me with a calming grace only anything in nature can dream of. The heavy set her fills my lungs as a storm approaches. The thunder hurling itself over mountains, plains, terra firma rolls undertake feet and up they my bones. I am shaken to my core as lightening sets my soul aflame. I've never felt so at peace or washed clean as the rain batters against soft skin. 

Bare feet moves steadily against the desert sand. Learning every crevice it can as the pace of the storm and my heart rate pick up. The blazing of lightening condemns my soul. Here there is nothing but laughter, life, and freedom. 

If I close my eyes I ca still see the empty faces. Unmarked, unclaimed but still laughing in hatred for no reason I can explain. I hate it. My blood runs cold, there is sweat beneath my shirt. I can feel it rolling down my neck and between my shoulder blades before it soaks into my shirt. 

Cold steel is pointed at me. A hand is pressed against my neck. It's harder than I have ever imagined to inhale with the threat of my chest being holes in response to any wrong doings. 

I have sinned. I'll never admit I have not. That in itself would be a lie. But while there is blood staining my feet dripping into rain puddles I'm still not sure the cause that has led me here. 

What circumstances is there for blood stained feet, air cut off, a stranger besides a familiar look pressing a gun to my chest? 

I don't know. 

I don't know but I'm scared enough to know if I die here there's no coming back. I'll be lost in limbo staining the empty fields of disarray with an I hot I can't get rid of. 

Is this murder? Is this assisted suicide? Is my subconscious pushing and pulling? A past memory? 

I can't tell if it is as my vision starts to fade. It's like looking into the camp fire on a night with no moon. The witching hour has passed us. If I wake up. I hope I wake up.... Those are the last thoughts I have before sickening laughter over takes the rest of me. I hear a clock. A pop. A devouring plethora of crunch and searing pain. My chest feels heavy. 

Is it okay if I just disappear?.....

If you want someone to wipe your tears you need to let them see you cry and that's the hardest thing to trust. Vulnerable self insufficient inner horror.  I'm scared. I am hopeless I'm worthless. I'm numb. 

I just want it all to stop. To stop. 

How do I make it stop? 

How do I make it stop without hurting?

Soulless::

Self hatred is a willow tree

That's starting to suffocate my every inch

There's never a right answer

Only self doubt

This fuzzy sense of sight

I just can't get rid of

This contaminated feeling

I'm wrong

Wrong

I don't feel like I belong

I will never be a priority

For anyone besides myself. 

I will never accomplish anything that

I have not set a goal for. 

I am lonely in my soul. 

I'm crying out to fill this hole. 

I'm failing. 

Failing. Failing. Failing. 

The air in this place

That I should call my home

Is tainted in silence

Exposing us all. 

There is no going back

It's all push and pull. 

Those I hold dear

They're all that I have. 

The one who should count most

Blasts at them and it's sad. 

I'm torn between two beautiful souls

And trying to figure out how I'll be able to grow. 

My testament is this

I can't seem to carry

The weight the world gives me

It's just getting too heavy. 

If I stumble and fall

Ignore my call. 

I'm used to it. 

I'm failing and lonely

I don't know who can see

There are aspects that are broken

Irreparable damage in me. 

The whole world burns away, and our souls fly through the smoke. 
We come out painted and stronger folk.

Set ablaze in glorious hills

a beautiful chaos that emptiness fills.

Cries of laughter heard over shrieks

Fear is everlasting as excitement peaks

Rise again the ones that fell

As Death comes and rings his Bell.

Follow him down to the River Styx

In the Dead of Dawn you may still follow Nyx.

Cleans are made upon your soul.

Glory or condemnation will take you home.

The smoke clears from the sky

as the last soldier says goodbye.

The battlefield is left silent and bloody.

The world weeps for the loss and pain of soulless bodies.