Shallow breaths. Hard gulps. 

Trying to keep the daemons at bay. 

I can't move in the darkness but tears stream down my face. I can hear my own heart beating. I can hear my heart breaking. 

Can I be stronger than I feel? Can I stand and scream at the world in unrelenting anger? 

I can't turn back time but I can mold my own future. 

I just can get a hold of my dreams anymore. I've buried them too deep. 

What have I become?

Am I immune?

I feel like a disease. 

Dragged around

Thru everything

My mind is going bonkers

I'm not sure the amount of myself I can handle

Contagion?

Contaminated?

Possibilities are endless

Make it stop

Make it break

The subcommittee of self delegation 

There's a painted moon in the sky that's haunting me in my waking times. It calls to my soul and slips beneath my armor. The rolling clouds that highlight its light across darkness fall down and greet me with a calming grace only anything in nature can dream of. The heavy set her fills my lungs as a storm approaches. The thunder hurling itself over mountains, plains, terra firma rolls undertake feet and up they my bones. I am shaken to my core as lightening sets my soul aflame. I've never felt so at peace or washed clean as the rain batters against soft skin. 

Bare feet moves steadily against the desert sand. Learning every crevice it can as the pace of the storm and my heart rate pick up. The blazing of lightening condemns my soul. Here there is nothing but laughter, life, and freedom. 

If I close my eyes I ca still see the empty faces. Unmarked, unclaimed but still laughing in hatred for no reason I can explain. I hate it. My blood runs cold, there is sweat beneath my shirt. I can feel it rolling down my neck and between my shoulder blades before it soaks into my shirt. 

Cold steel is pointed at me. A hand is pressed against my neck. It's harder than I have ever imagined to inhale with the threat of my chest being holes in response to any wrong doings. 

I have sinned. I'll never admit I have not. That in itself would be a lie. But while there is blood staining my feet dripping into rain puddles I'm still not sure the cause that has led me here. 

What circumstances is there for blood stained feet, air cut off, a stranger besides a familiar look pressing a gun to my chest? 

I don't know. 

I don't know but I'm scared enough to know if I die here there's no coming back. I'll be lost in limbo staining the empty fields of disarray with an I hot I can't get rid of. 

Is this murder? Is this assisted suicide? Is my subconscious pushing and pulling? A past memory? 

I can't tell if it is as my vision starts to fade. It's like looking into the camp fire on a night with no moon. The witching hour has passed us. If I wake up. I hope I wake up.... Those are the last thoughts I have before sickening laughter over takes the rest of me. I hear a clock. A pop. A devouring plethora of crunch and searing pain. My chest feels heavy. 

Is it okay if I just disappear?.....

If you want someone to wipe your tears you need to let them see you cry and that's the hardest thing to trust. Vulnerable self insufficient inner horror.  I'm scared. I am hopeless I'm worthless. I'm numb. 

I just want it all to stop. To stop. 

How do I make it stop? 

How do I make it stop without hurting?

Soulless::

Self hatred is a willow tree

That's starting to suffocate my every inch

There's never a right answer

Only self doubt

This fuzzy sense of sight

I just can't get rid of

This contaminated feeling

I'm wrong

Wrong

I don't feel like I belong

I will never be a priority

For anyone besides myself. 

I will never accomplish anything that

I have not set a goal for. 

I am lonely in my soul. 

I'm crying out to fill this hole. 

I'm failing. 

Failing. Failing. Failing. 

The air in this place

That I should call my home

Is tainted in silence

Exposing us all. 

There is no going back

It's all push and pull. 

Those I hold dear

They're all that I have. 

The one who should count most

Blasts at them and it's sad. 

I'm torn between two beautiful souls

And trying to figure out how I'll be able to grow. 

My testament is this

I can't seem to carry

The weight the world gives me

It's just getting too heavy. 

If I stumble and fall

Ignore my call. 

I'm used to it. 

I'm failing and lonely

I don't know who can see

There are aspects that are broken

Irreparable damage in me. 

The whole world burns away, and our souls fly through the smoke. 
We come out painted and stronger folk.

Set ablaze in glorious hills

a beautiful chaos that emptiness fills.

Cries of laughter heard over shrieks

Fear is everlasting as excitement peaks

Rise again the ones that fell

As Death comes and rings his Bell.

Follow him down to the River Styx

In the Dead of Dawn you may still follow Nyx.

Cleans are made upon your soul.

Glory or condemnation will take you home.

The smoke clears from the sky

as the last soldier says goodbye.

The battlefield is left silent and bloody.

The world weeps for the loss and pain of soulless bodies.

Cut the Cord

"I look into the past and I wonder where the future will lead me

I'm tired of the accusations that I'm feeling in my soul

Maybe they're right

Maybe they're wrong

I want to be over this

I want to stop thinking that I'll be okay

I just want to be okay

I want to be able to pass this day like it's any other day

Like it's a Saturday night and I'm just hanging out with friends

Today should mean nothing

but it means something...

Something that I want to be rid of.

Something that made who I am today.

When will it stop hurting?

When will I finish crossing this bridge?

There are those who love me.

There are those I know I can depend on in my life. "

......

That's what I feel for you.

That is how I hope you feel.

My friend is hurting and I'm not there but I want to be.

I want you to know that I'm there for you.

This is for you. These next few days are for you.

I'm here if you need me.

Sometimes we just need someone to be sad with.

I'll be sad with you, even from so far away.

I wish you weren't hurting,

I wish you weren't so sad.

I'd call to make you laugh

I'd make those dirty jokes that are bad.

hopefully soon I can come and visit.

If not I'm still a phone away

You can call me any time

You can call me any day.

Go get some art done

and work some things out of your system?

I know when I have these intense things...

Art is how we deal with emotion
.....

I'm dedicating this song by Shinedown to you.

I think it fits the day. Even just a little bit.

I'm sure it doesn't hurt any less than it did before.
....

Let's think of some happy times, even if I was so annoying in the beginning. ;)

2 am cookies, and me trying to mix dough with my hands.

Drawing late into the night and coloring together.

Taking turns reading books, while we both had fun on Gaia.

Skinny dipping in the moonlight!

Going off-roading, spending nights at your place.

Pizza and Smirnoff.....

Oval-tine...

My horrible cooking in cast iron pans - you dominated that like I never could.

Listening to music and just listening in the dark.

Kiowa sodas.

.. I know that you're sad.

I really wish you weren't.

I hope you smile today.

Laugh a bit even though you hurt.

So many big hugs,

cheeky kisses for you.

:-p  My soul sister forever,

always and true.

Stupid

Crazy

Lovely

Screwed

Every little in-between

Every little crevice

The precipice of lost souls

Eyes closed

Slow breath

Heart beating

I want it out of my chest.

I want to start breathing,

I want to stat seeing....

All the world is full or vibrant pretty colors.

I just can't help to want to float on the afterglow.

There's a tempest wind at my back.
I'm feeling trapped.
I'm feeling drug around.
I'm reaching my limit.
Stretched out far passed my resolve.
 I'm crumbling. I'm falling.
 Breaking away piece by piece.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I know what I want to be.
I want to dance in the wind and scream with the thunder.
I want the electricity to run through me like it used to.
I want life to feel bright again.
I want to wake up in the morning feeling like anything is possible...

To not feel the tears that threaten to spill down my face.
To not have to choke away what I want to say because I care too much what you think.
I'm fading; this fog is all consuming.

There are multiple ways out.

Ways I've dreamed of in my darkest thoughts.

Ways I've fallen out of fear with.

Ways that could mean a brighter life for it all.

Instead I'm being called selfish because I've given up the bigger part of me.

I'm selfish and jealous

You open your mouth and I want you to shut up. 

So I'll play in my electrical storms and play in the dark till you can't see me, 

you can't feel me, till I'm nothing but a shadow.

Then when you're least expecting it, or at your low of noticing me I'll disappear.

I'll fade into the nothing.

It's just a matter of which way I will fade.

Which frame of mind I reach.

The sound of a soul thrashing

the look of a heart breaking

How long before you go under?

How long before you shatter?

Can you hear me scream?

Can you feel me shake?

I'm coming undone.

I'm standing on the edge.

There's nothing you can do

I can't see the light at the end of this passageway

I'm losing it

I'm too far gone

If you could pull me back

...I might be grateful

You don't even notice

I don't want you to anymore.

The rage came and went

the tears are over flowing

my soul has broken

my last words, spoken.

I'm afraid of what I'm doing

Setting myself up just to fail

Am I stupid, silly, and hopeless?

Or going off the rail? 

I tear up when I look in the mirror

Because I know that my smile is fake

There are few people who make me happy

But I'm not sure how much more I can take

I'm about to reach my cut off

Tears are running down my face

There's only so much running to do

I'm cracking and about to break

Unafraid 
I'll stand my ground
Drawing lines
 all around. 

Pushing, pulling...
...teasing. 
What is right?
What is pleasing?

Tit for tat. 
I'll play it fair. 
Make you laugh, 
make you care.  

Or maybe I'm just dreaming. 
Maybe I'm just too feeling. 

Some times I think you hate me
there's nothing I can do. 
I'll sit and resign myself into nothing. 
There's an abyss growing. 
I'm becoming a black hole. 
It's time to let go.

I'm beginning to lose my patience
The stars know I've lost my mind
My anger has been building
I'm going numb inside. 

My misery is enhanced
I'm not sure what motions to go through
Joy and happiness absolved;
I stand in front of the mirror and ask 'who are you?'

I'm looking inside myself
trying to figure out just what I feel.

What I'm looking at
resembles this massive tangled mess
of multicolored yarn

Each color resembles an emotion

Love, adoration, hope, fear, wrath, greed...

Different morals

Each time I'm just pulling at a strand and it's wrapping tighter

I'll see the beginnings but never the ends at this point...

I'm losing it.

Maybe I never had it

Who knows

My head is aching

It's time for sleep

There's something stirring in the darkness,
I feel it humming under my skin.
Those things nailing me to my sanity
are fighting a battle they can't win.

There's an electric charge 
crawling through the air, 
lightening flashes
in someones nightmare.
Fingertips brush
over wet leaves, 
the sky trembles low-
like it does in my dreams. 
Rain wash away
all my suffering and doubt. 
Let the electrical storm
end joys drought. 

Slide between the sheets
Satin glides across bare skin
The stars are shining in eyes
This is a game we both spin
Let's set up a trap
we lay in waiting
I want to feel more
my limbs are shaking
Fingers caress
as teeth bite down
We'll change positions 
from bed to ground

I am unnamed in my own existence
as I stand beneath the stars.
Each and every thing in our universe
is scattered with scars.

Craters formed from time,
erosion at it's prime.

There are those that feel lost,
or damaged by these marks.

If tears turn to crystal
and drop from up high.
I just want you to know,
that this is goodbye.
I'm sorry if your hurting,
I know I'm causing pain,
I can't deal with the sadness,
and living a lie is insane.
I'm pushed against a wall,
it's hard enough to breath.
The walls have closed in,
there's no escape to leave.

I am staring into the sky
a mixture of blue, rose, yellow, purple hues.
I want to float away in it.
I want to feel the air race across me as I plummet through clouds.
To feel the weight of aether fill my being
Till my feet touch the ground I'll feel free.
Till I crumble and fall I'll feel strong
I feel that anything is possible.

Blue eyes,

weakened knees,

blood igniting,

heart screaming please.

Clenching fists,

hips that sway,

staying close,

but so far away.

Ache inside,

pupils dilate,

stay on track,

have to wait.

Head is foggy,

breath is short,

thoughts go crazy.

imagining force.

Fingers slip

between the water,

water goes cold,

body gets hotter.

Whimpers escape,

teeth dig in,

toes tingle,

the fun does begin.

If I scream from the roof tops
I still don't think that you'd hear. 

We're all a little sinful, 
and we're wound up with fear. 

Stitched together with grace, 
glossed over in faith. 

Bathed in light we stand, 
yet filled in shadowed hate. 

My fingers are bleeding.
I'm not sure what to do.
I'm sitting here in the dark,
thinking about you. 

I let loose my hair
and try to calm down. 
I've moved from sitting, 
I'm laying on the ground. 

I can't see a thing, 
but I can tell you that it's cold. 
Freezing glides across exposed flesh
as I think I'm not going to get old. 

I'm sitting here contemplating, 
thinking of the words you threw my way. 
It drives me to insanity, 
knives whisper to me and my mind begins to sway. 

Colder metal rests
on sensitive skin. 
Enough pressure and pain
release liquid sin. 

My body trembles, 
there are no more tears to shed. 
My heart was broken open, 
into damnation I am led. 

Hearts desire on the wind
Opening my mouth releases sin

No mistakes I cannot make
Opinions of me are those you take

I can do no more right as long as I breathe
So take me down where the earth won't let me leave

There's paradise written across her skin

The things she wants, the things kept in

The tears that escape drown in her soul

There's a depth inside that's beginning to grow.

No where to turn she looks to the sky

glowing worlds away is she'd like to fly

There's not much here to keep the darkness at bay

but she tries to escape to it every day.

I'm trusting you with secrets.
It's driving me on edge.
I don't know how well I can handle this.
I'm terrified
I'm trusting you with these little pieces of me.
My soul.
My heart
My thoughts.
I'm cringing in response to what I have done.
There's a slight panic in my being.
I don't know what to do.
I'm not sure how to behave.
It's so easy to tell someone that 'this is how it is.'
You don't just get over something.
Whether it's big or small you build yourself a bridge.
Maybe a boat in case you fall...
Because you are building on insecurities.
You're building with broken pieces of life...
Pieces that has been washed away and some are missing.
Slowly, steadily, you get to where you're going.
When you look back,
you realize there is something strong, unique and amazing.
The past has helped shape that.
The present helps you cope.
Before you know it, you've met the future.
You're here.
You're safe.
You're happy.
You're surrounded by the people you have shared your story with.
Secrets were told, tears were shed.
They made sure to help keep you steady, when you needed a hand.

There are tears in my eyes,
and my anxiety is high.
Rushing feelings are converging,
I wouldn't mind trying to fly.
I'm playing twenty questions alone,
realizing my life's tone.
There are certain things I'd like to complete,
some things are uncertain, some things are pretty neat.
Dance in the wind, sing to the stars,
be kissed in the rain, have sex in a car.
To keep climbing trees in the middle of the night;
to get lost in the darkness and make my own light.
These happy thoughts ease my fears,
because in times like these only I can dry my tears.
Hopes, dreams, wants, and needs...
These are bounties on which my soul feeds. 

There are bite marks where you left them,
nails racked down your back.
Rug burns where I don't want them,
but that happens when attacked.
I whine in response,
as you nuzzled at my neck.
Till light hit our bodies,
we didn't know there were bruises left.
Did you know I could mewl?
I didn't know you could growl.
Under the moonlight,
we both panted and howled.

Late at night, early morning if you will
I don't think I can stop this trembling.
Can this continue?
I don't want it to stop.
My toes are tingling.
My fingers are warm.
I can't breath steadily.
My eyes are heavy.
I'm biting the inside of my lip.
More. Building.
Imagination running wild.
Momentarily blinded,
my eyes are shut.
I'm shaking.
Squeaks, soft moans.
I'm on fire.
I have to be.
Eyes open I stare at the ceiling.
Counting down to one.
My breathing is shallow,
hands are shaking,
body buzzing,
I'm craving more.
I need more.
My stomach is pooling with more heat.
There are involuntary whimpers.
Three times.
I don't think I can continue.
Maybe later.
I curl around myself and hide in the soft blankets.
They smell of sweat, dirty thoughts, pleasure.
My being is still humming.
I wish you were here.

Have you ever felt the music seducing you into the beat of the world?

I'm surrounded in darkness floating in the sky. 
The stars are shining brightly, I'm losing myself in this. 
Warmth by the fire I play tag with the cold. 
There's no such thing as winning, 
all that we feel is made of gold. 
The wind teases locks and I'm feeling at peace. 
Eyes closed, hips start swaying to the low music that's playing. 
There's nothing more that I want but to be right here and right now. 
Spin around and let the music take me till someone brings me down. 
I'm happy. I'm delighted. My soul is flying through the stars.
I wonder if anyone else feels like this.

Then I think... 
I stop. 
I open the eyes that hold secrets.

There's a melody you want to be a part of
a beat you want to belong to. 
Would you take my hand and dance with me?
Spin me around and be a part of me. 
I'm losing every little thing that's gone wrong, 
we're making everything right. 
There's a silence in my soul that's staggering onto delight. 
No words, only phrases, in and outs, as we sway, 
all you feel is the music, all you want is peace.

Fear

The expression in your eyes is completely blank. As I look at you I try to think. I can't. Nothing comes to mind except fear. Why do I feel this? How far does it run exactly...? I do not know. I'm sick of all of this. I can't keep doing this. What am I doing in the first place? I don't understand. Is that...Is that why I feel this fear when I see you?
Oh make it stop. I don't want this anymore. Please make it stop. Oh god. I can't take this.
I'll break all the mirrors so that I'll never see you again. Maybe then, I can end this fear...

Best Kept Secret Of A Cemetery

Gravestones lying at my feet
Silent voices that always weep
Hearts that are faded
And bodies quietly shaded
Remind me of the past
To sit and think of all the things that do not come to last
As I sit here and think,
In this little graveyard
I hear the withering, and cold bodies speak
Of what is to come tonight
And of their families kind and dear
If only to hear them for a short time,
You will hear and learn many things
Now I hear people ask why do you stay there?
I say nothing to them now because it is a secret.
Dusk does come as a lonely black figure comes
With a violin in hand and in the other a glaive
But I am not afraid
He sets his glaive down against a gravestone
And gracefully climbs atop a boulder,
To raise his instrument to chin
A gentle but haunting tune he does play
And as the earth rumbles and starts to shake,
The earth does churn as figures rise from the dank, dirt tombs
The moon is full as the dead come out
To come and play, to howl and shout
But by midnight tonight all shall be still
As the song does end and the dead stop to steal
They climb back into bed to rest up
For the next full moon they will come to steal
Just once more until the reaper says it so.
Every full moon I come here to think
And as the moon rises the shadows do creep
For the time has come to rise again
And every time I leave with him
For I am the reapers friend and by the time the party’s over
I fall asleep and wake up in bed
But maybe one day I’ll stay up to watch and dance and play
Because I like the dark, cold shadows they never seem to stray
But now I must say good night
Till I see you in daylight.

Sweet Temptations; may this strike you hard.

The way your fingers caress my hips
As you tease me with those lips
My self-control is withering away
Oh god, in my ears, the things you say...
Warm breaths across my neck
My heart skipping beats every few seconds
Hands wander underneath clothes
Everything falls, each now exposed
Bodies dance with heated glances
That look in your eyes, passion enhances.
Soft whines and cries escape between breaths
Every set up boundary put to the test
You whisper sweet nothings into my ears,
What you wish to do to and with me, right now, right here
Sending these chills down my spine
The fire is flowing, clouding my mind...
The warmth you leave across exposed skin
You're bringing forth this pleasurable, desirable sin...
The way you leave me wanting more
Makes me shiver and undeniably sore
The way you make my body weak
No sounds are made we cannot speak
Hold me close; surround me in your arms
Breathing softly, I've fallen for your charms.

Simple Path

My little world, that I hold so dear
Calls upon those who say they've no fear
I've come to recruit a brand new race
So that they may have some tears to taste
Enter a world where you come in fine
Shocking things happen that will shatter your mind
Come and play inside my world
Where a story will start to unfurl...
Living streams crawl through your skin
Breaking you down till you rest on kin
The fires that burn behind thou eyes
Reach into hell for a deep surprise
The time that comes to walk and speak
Arise the children that shall cause a leak
Into another world where nature is law
Where man is submissive to Heathen Gods
Live to the day the breeze causes you harm
There is no where left you may use your charm
Witty things that once were exchanged
Now are the things that leave you in chains
Crawl across a path of despair
One learns quickly that things aren't really there
Under wings that shield from the cold
Rebels rise that are always bold
Characters flow into their words
Creating this uproar in malicious herds
Deception lies within their path
Those who follow have been given wrath
By the blades of power that bind one down
Thou'st eyes have caused chaos upon these grounds.
Beyond a new world that may seem so bright
I've no choice to show you that it is not right
What you have seen will give you the endurance
What you believe with soul shall give reassurance
The path is simple, one anyone can take
Only thing one must remember your life is at stake
Heed my words children that may come
Beyond thou eyes is the Devil of the Sun
If you may master my little world in time
I might let you live, I might let you shine
Fires that blaze in the streams of protection
I hope one learns the secrets in one's reflection.
Someone solve my little game
I'm sick of hearing the wails of pain.

Happy little heartbreak

Screaming from the gates,
to bring me back to hell.
This is a game,
one of which I'll never tell.
The thoughts are so demeaning,
the scars are to deep to bear.
At times it is uncertain,
and soon enough there's nothing there.
You sit beside yourself in injustice,
while your heart pounds in your chest.
Tears well up inside you,
fear and worry bring you unrest.
Little is known,
about this game.
You have to experience it,
to even find fame.
There may be heartache,
in which splendor is a lie.
No matter how many happy memories,
it will make you want to cry.

Be Blind

I don't want you to know
what's going through my mind
I don't want you know
that what I'm feeling is sublime
The feeling of wetness
at the bottom of my feet.
The rush in my veins
travel out from a leak.
Pressing the blades,
the glass over edge.
I don't want you to see
that I'm falling from this ledge.
Oh, the mayhem,
that crawls in my head.
That urges me to do things
when I'm awake and you're in bed.
Go out in the darkness,
grab hands all around.
Lead all that you touch,
lead them underground.

Terror

Hidden doors within these walls
Little voices that mean some harm
All these things they talk about,
Would make you want to scream and shout.
Beyond the blood that spills over the floor,
Little red hand prints adorn the doors.
There's horror that this place contains,
within the walls are terrors remains.
I feel the fear creeping up my spine,
I see the bile that's been spilled into time.

Nose to neck. 
Cheek to cheek. 
Hands on hips, 
my knees go weak. 
It wouldn't take much
to make me putty in your arms. 
Make a few choice moves,
you'll be setting off my alarms. 
Fast, heavy petting, 
we mimic one another.  
Grunts and breaths combing
as we become lovers.

There's a heat in my belly though my fingers are numb. I come back running just for a hug. Arm around my shoulders slides down to my waist, if my eyes were not straight you'd figure out I'd want a taste. I really don't want to leave your side, the butterflies in my being are taking my for a ride. Unfortunately I go and you send me drunken questions. I'm a sucker at my hips and my lips crave a certain destination....
Oh my thoughts begin to go wild, I can't keep them at bay. Fantasies come a live and I'd love for you to play. If you knew what I do in the dark of the night...
Well I wonder if you'd want to make those things come to life...?

I'm not sure if you know this, but there's a voice inside my head.
I constantly am at odds with it.
Even though I agree with what has been said.
There's a light that brightens inside me whenever you are near.
It's not something I can help; truthfully it fills me with a bit of fear.
There are things that you could do to me that would leave me trembling and overloaded.
I'm not sure if I should tell you that, or if you really already know it.
I think there's more beneath me, I know there is in you.
The voice inside my head is speaking telling me that I should follow through.
Instead I'm going to sit here and just take what I can get.
There's a mixed emotion in me that doesn't want to let you do something and make you feel bad about what we'd both want to do. Even if it's in the moment... I'd do these things sober. I don't think you'd do the same, which really makes we wonder, your thoughts, or if you're just trying to behave....?